Still (the) Small Voice?

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I’ve been stilling the small voice. I haven’t trusted the unrest and grief within me about one of my children’s education choices, and I have assumed the ‘still small voice’ was actually just my own anxiety and thought the lesson for me was to step back, deal with the grief journey of allowing a child to grow up and make choices. Thought my feeling was about me, not him.

The voice didn’t go away. More of a feeling, but I’m calling it a voice because now I see: this is how the Lord speaks to me. Gone are the days I thought I never hear from Him. Wow. His voice has been all over things this week.

Our decision to home educate came out of this same unrest within me – that also didn’t go away – 10 years ago. So much confirmation over time after following that call to homeschool.  I had done all the right things: prayed for God to take the feelings away if they were not from him… the situation forced our hand and the feelings came back and hit me hard.

Forward 10 years. Our 16 year old chose a career path at the end of last year – following a subject designed as part of the secondary education certificate – to help them do so. It guides them to discover careers and choose appropriate subjects. This was a course we had started to run alongside our home education program – which is becoming heavily classical – and extremely exciting.

Mr 16 chose to enrol in the online college offering this high school education certificate for years 11 and 12. He chose subjects that were expected in order to pursue this career path. The details are not necessary for the purpose of this post – but it feels quite dramatic to truthfully say: I felt like a part of me died inside when we realised we would be giving up the ‘good stuff’ in order to pursue this career path – which at the same time did not feel like the right fit.

Spot the pattern. That feeling inside me did NOT go away. I emotion coached myself through this grief journey. He’s my first born. We started his education with mistakes. Now we find ourselves in risk of more. Same mistakes, same child.

Who’d be a firstborn? haha see here: Eldests!

A conversation with a teacher threw me into turmoil over this latest raft of choices – which despite the hardest work and efforts I have seen in Mr 16 (through his own motivation) – have not translated into a good fit. It’s thrown into doubt all these things: Have we let him down? What do we do now? How is he going to feel if we suggest something different? CAN we suggest something different? Is it ok to ‘parent this’?

We have prayed. I’ve taken counsel from friends with relevant experience. We’ve had hard conversations with our son, and easier ones. FINALLY it becomes clear. The wisdom is here. We have a PLAN.

The STILL SMALL VOICE OF CALM. “Hello, Old Friend!”.

I’ve been hearing the still small voice – and been stilling it. Him. I believe it’s the Holy Spirit. I’ve drowned out his voice with negative thoughts about myself, my ability to allow my children to grow up and make choices. We did the ‘right thing’ and stepped back. It was right to allow that – but perhaps we weren’t discerning enough when it felt wrong. Feelings are complicated and reliance on them has to be discerned. IGNORING them is not right. God has to speak to us somehow? Of course – the Bible. Proverbs 3: 5-6 is Mr 16’s life scripture. But how do we know which is that straight path? It wasn’t an obvious situation about what ‘honoured God’ and what didn’t.

Until I realised: That Highschool Certificate? Has become our master. We are serving IT. It is not serving US. The Good Stuff he will soon be missing, to allow for workload? That’s the God-honouring amazingness that he, and we, were grieving leaving behind for this pathway.

Interesting everyone calls it a pathway. I think Proverbs 3:5-6 is our ‘pathway verse’. We took a detour. Now: we have a plan to get back on the straight path and we have a little more insight as to where it is headed.

Life lesson for me? I need to trust my God-given instincts. Weigh them against what I also know about my weakness – the thorn in my side that is anxiety. But He turns our weaknesses in to His opportunities.

Mind. Blown.

 

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“When do your kids ‘do School’?”

fPKXI05LSCiE+8B33YActQAsk me again when my children ‘do school’? (Don’t go there on the socialisation question though, OK?).

This week my eldest child – who at 16 is studying for the South Australian SACE stage 1 – (Maths Specialist, Maths Methods, Physics, Chemistry and English) was up at 6.45am on Monday morning to travel for a maths specialist test, and back home in time for his online chemistry lesson. The night before he had to start work at 8pm to make final preparations for his test after family activities took away his Sunday afternoon studying time. 

Eldest chose this academic path himself. We looked at alternatives, but he has made his mind up that this is what he wants to do for Australian year 11 and 12. It limits his classical education options with our US provider but we have had 2 great years doing that – which I am excited to be rolling out in the earlier years now with the younger ones for some subjects.

He had to do work on his other subjects (US courses in Logic and History / Literature) later that day. Other children were working on Logic, History / Literature, maths, Language arts. 

Tuesday, eldest had Maths Specialist lesson and finalisation and submitting of an English assignment before the English lesson after his 30 min lunch break. He ate lunch at his computer. More prep for the US subjects in the afternoon. Again other children studying English and Maths in the same room.

Wednesday involved an early morning (husband got up at 4am for a US Language Arts lesson with Mr 12 (a special privilege to be allowed to join the lesson as it happens-  when the clocks change we will be back to fitting these archives and the resulting work into our already full week). I got up at 5 and swapped with my husband as I had promised the eldest 2 I would get up with them for their Logic debate at 0530. They manage the early mornings better than me. I went back to bed and slept through their next lesson (currently studying Henry V) and they were back to work on other things, and piano practice, after their second snack / breakfast. I spent the day clearing and sorting school supplies in the study to make all this stuff feel easier. Kids worked around me / helped me as necessary. In the afternoon I asked mr 16 to take a break from his studies at 5pm and cook dinner to help me out. I’ve not been asking him to help recently due to his workload. Wednesday night we went to the Ash Wednesday service at church. Some kids helped with the data projection. The little ones coloured and listened and sang. (Saying this to prove we have commitments outside the house, though I wrote a particularly long piece on what I like to call ‘the socialisation myth’).

Thursday mr 16 had a ‘pupil free day’ with the online SACE college so he was able to watch a recorded physics lesson at a time of his preference. He chose to practice piano at 0830 (after asking me if that was ok the day before) and start his lesson earlier than its normal 1.30pm time slot. He then completed a practice test paper, for the next test that is coming up in physics. He submitted that a day early. While he worked all the other kids were working on writing projects in the study area, even Miss 5. After a super productive morning I planned to ‘take the rest of the day off’ and have a rare trip to the shopping centre for some promised and needed items – and a rare ‘long’ visit to the library for the 2 eldest. Even though I don’t take advantage much any more of daytime shopping availability – I felt good about going ‘after lunch’. The naughty feeling didn’t last long when I realised it was actually nearly 3.30pm and school days had finished for brick and mortar schooled kids anyway. Mr 16 spent most of the library visit working on homework. Good job the shopping took ages. Which I REALLY enjoyed. I just found out he was actually revising in the library completing a practice test for the maths test today. See? I’m not even checking up on him that closely to be on his back about work. Occasional check ins, but he usually tells me how he’s going and how the workload is going.

Today (Friday): more 4 and 5am lessons. This time I did the 4am stint and my husband observed the rest of the debate at 5am to support the eldest 2. After 3 hrs of school they went to the reserve on bikes. After a sleep Mr 12 did more work on his language arts. Again all practising the piano and writing work for the youngest 3. Now they are using Osmo programs for a treat. Sort of school, sort of not: definitely educational. Eldest? Had a short break after early morning lessons, went o the reserve on his bike: then came home to get his maths test prep sorted and out again for another hour long maths test. Exam. Whatever it is. On the way home he’s watched chemistry videos for homework to utilise the journey time. Oh and I promised not to get into this but WE HAVE PEOPLE COMING OVER THIS AFTERNOON.

Clearly the hardest worker with the biggest workload is mr 16 right now (excluding parents). I haven’t mentioned the Latin exam the eldest 2 are meant to be studying for, for next week. 

Last year a congregation member saw me in the city in the middle of the day, on an errand with all the kids. They asked me the following Sunday what I was “doing in the City”. It didn’t quite strike me how this was an odd question, a bit nosey, but ??? I later realised they thought my kids were supposed to be sitting at desks. So what if we had an orthodontist appointment? None of anyone’s business, just as it would have been equally as fine for me to say to the kids we ought to have a fun day in the City. We can. We do. These days – very rarely. I must put that in my diary else it won’t happen.

I’ve also been asked what hours my children ‘do school’. Where do I start? This was 1 crazy full week. Probably the only extra activities were the 2 tests. Next week they will be replaced by Latin co-op and Latin exam. I am SO glad we had those early years of eclectic, sometimes formal, sometimes not, sometimes ‘just fun’ sometimes just housework. I know, sitting here now, how it ends. If we choose – I jit can end in just as an amazing work ethic (perhaps better) than if I’d chained them to a desk or kept eldest in the system that nearly broke him. I tell myself this now, when his younger sibs’ days look quite like his did in the early years. On / off, fun / not. Messy / outstanding.

With all this: I choose relationship. I choose together. I choose messy. I choose academic excellence too, actually. How it happens is a mystery combined with hard work. During hours of our choosing. I choose not to give rude answers to questions that can’t even be answered.