I was collecting large family articles on Pinterest the other day. I did a search and came up with a wide range of blog posts, and for some reason many on how to make kids feel special in large families. I didn’t pin any. I may eventually read one or two, just to find out what the suggestions are and maybe what the negatives are supposed to be, for children blessed with 3 or more siblings. (What is large anyway?!)
Just now as I have been thinking about this I realise something. It is possible for children in any size family to lack in personal relationship or connection with their parents. Sharing our love with Even More children does not diminish its quality or depth. It’s not watered down by the time it reaches our younger children. Actually I feel as though I have had much more opportunity to step back and value my relationships with all of my children as individuals and seeing their differences and similarities in this way helps me to keep all of those relationships growing, and individual children valued exactly for who they are.
I am making this up as I go along. By that I mean I don’t have a manual, a formula or step by step guide to follow in raising my children. Our style and practice has grown and developed since day 1. If we don’t grow or change in that time as parents, either we are actually absolutely perfect or…
We have an overview. To parent the way we feel God our father parents us. With love, kindness, grace, peace, patience, wisdom… to teach gently. We are constantly striving to those aims. Within that overview we do what we can to ensure our children are assured of their identity in Christ, our heavenly Father’s love for them, and their safety and love within our family.
Here are some ways we honour our children as individuals, encourage them, fill their cup and enrich their relationships with us as well as build self worth:
- Looking all the while for opportunities to love them in all 5 ‘love languages’: time, touch, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. Gary Chapman’s book on this subject is worth reading for all kinds of reasons.
- Special time with names on it! We have always called things special names. If you call it a thing kids love it. So ‘special mummy and Ben time’ ‘special daddy and girls time’, ‘mummy bush walks’ (also known as city shopping trips), all of those things and more. We can celebrate the most ordinary of family outings by making them into a thing.
- Making sure we fill the cups of those who are struggling. We don’t punish and we don’t reward. And the child who is struggling may not seem worthy of special time. The reverse is true. They need it more.
- Encouraging all of the members of the family to gather around another who is struggling. Sometimes we call this a ‘Blessing Day’. Kids are right. One birthday a year just isn’t enough. Half year birthdays are a good time for this but we don’t have hard and fast rules – spontaneity works well for our family.
- Letter writing. I write the children letters of encouragement. Sometimes to all of the bigger ones, sometimes in an exchange of letters to one of them. We love surprise letters. I have a glimpse of their little world when I read those.
- Talking time. Our eldest in particular loves to come and talk to me when we have done bedtime. I have a practice of always being available then. He needs it and when the others are older they will too. We must listen now and have these practices in place.
- Sleepovers. Especially since we started sleeping on the floor ourselves (still supposed to be temporary) having different children in for a sleepover on their mattress (or all of them!) has been a fun and often experience. Balancing our own quality time is still possible and the balance is fine. But the children find that so special, even moreso the older ones. Again… We are investing in the future by being available and having an open door now.
- Publicly acknowledging and affirming. When our children have done something special or there is something to commend, we will tell the whole family as we are eating dinner, for example. So our whole family can celebrate and acknowledge that thing. We might also do this in conversations with others outside our family. This is in particular an important way for wives to acknowledge their husbands. I am taking that idea and extending it to my children. In particular the boys will benefit from this.
- Responsibility. All of our children respond well to being given responsibility for real things. Things that make our family work. Like food. If they cook a meal for our family it is a wonderful achievement for them, and they hear everyone’s real appreciation as we eat. Today as we expressed joy and delight at Mr 10’s French Onion Soup at lunch time I realised how blessed they are learning to cook with that sort of appreciation and genuine delight over their resulting family meals. We respond genuinely to all of the resulting benefits to our family team from the very real contribution they make to our household.
- Birthday Letters. Each child receives a birthday letter, celebrating their year and with words encouragement and affirmation. We are now also making birthday movies with clips of video, photos and special music as part of the birthday blessing. Everyone loves their special movie.
I am sure there is more. But I see the numbers in our house as being in our favour. We have even more opportunity to bless and be blessed. We are all extravagantly blessed.